Monday, November 30, 2009

More Lies & Deceptions from Palin

Sarah Palin's lies & deceptions have reached a fever pitch lately. Between Sarah Palin pissing off her base by leaving early & her "bus tour" actually being her on a Gulfstream, it's been a fun day in Palin news. I have something to add to it--I'm going to call it, Stickergate. (Because let's face it, Palin & her ilk would be equally melodramatic about something like this.)

My dear conservative mother (who asked to be called a libertarian on the blog, but I think that libertarians are even more batshit insane than conservatives) knew I was blogging the Palin book so she decided to order me an autographed copy of the Palin book. Now, let's look at what we get when one orders an autographed Palin book?

That's right, folks. You get a copy of the book & a fucking sticker with her signature on it (which is a real signature, btw.)

When I order an autographed copy of a book, I want it to actually be autographed. I do not want a fucking sticker that I can affix at my leisure at a later date. Seriously, Sarah? Can you be more lazy? Is it too hard for you to open the book, sign it, & then close the book? Did the mavericks at Harper have to provide you with special stickers to sign?

PS. That is NOT the book that my mother ordered. She is, more than likely, taking it back to Joseph Beth & getting her $$ back. I'm sorry, but Sarah Palin's signature on a sticker is not worth $30 or whatever the list price is.

PPS. If this blog eventually gets more than 4 readers a day, I will probably raffle off my lovely annotated copy of the book (which has, in my opinion, hilarious notations) along with the sticker. You can stick it wherever you like!

Friday, November 27, 2009

First 30 Pages of Chapter 3

I have finally read the first 30 pages of chapter 3 of Palin’s book & it is just as genuinely terrible as the previous sections. In this section, we read about Palin’s gubernatorial campaign, the beginning of her term & how Barack Obama stole the campaign slogan of “Change.”

Palin decides to run for office & even a Democrat, John Reeves, supports her, as “he was sick and tired of backdoor deals between politicians and special interests, especially the oil companies.” (108) Here is where Palin loses me somewhat—she goes on & on about how she is so pro-big business & corporation, but then talks about how she wishes to take down the special interest groups. She writes, “I talked about the potential Alaska had if we unshackled the private sector.” (109) Which is it Sarah: protect big business with policies that favor them or govern them?

On page 110, Palin writes, “I found my underdog status and the outside label quite liberating.” Well, duh. If she loses, it’s because she had no support. She doesn’t have to claim any responsibility in that case. If she wins, it’s because she’s such a maverick-y rogue & people want her brand of change.

Palin complains more about ethics saying, “the minute you start campaigning on ethics reform, critics start trolling to see what kind of dirt you’ve got under your fingernails.” (112) Well, no shit Sarah. I don’t want someone without any sense of ethic telling ME how to live my life ethically. I don’t understand this conservative belief that they can drone on & on about ethics and family values, but once they do something wrong (see: Carrie Prejean’s sex tapes), they are being unfairly attacked. No, you aren’t. If you set yourself up as a moral crusader, you best have a fucking clean house. There is no better schaudenfreude than taking down a hypocrite.

Palin’s “campaign theme of ‘change’ was palpable and sincere, and we walked the walk every day of the race.” (112) Wait, what? Did Barack Obama STEAL her campaign theme? She writes further:

Every part of our campaign shouted “Change!” a change in campaign financing: we ran on small donations from all over the state, mostly from first-time political donors, and we turned back some large checks from big donors if we perceived conflict of interest. A change from photo-op stops to honest conversations with actual voters. A change from emphaisizing politics to emphasizing people. A change from smooth talk to straight talk—even then.

We were amused a coupld of years later when Barack Obama—one of whose senior advisors (come to think of it) had roots in Alaska—adopted the same theme. Kris and I joked about it: “Hey! We were change when change wasn’t cool! (114)

I cannot believe Barack Obama had to stoop so low as to STEAL Sarah Palin’s campaign theme. Couldn’t he come up with anything by himself.

Also, for Palin to claim she was running a grassroots, small campaign is laughable. According to, she & Parnell raised $872,042, the 3rd highest amount for that race that year. In fact, if I combine what the campaign made, what she made & what Parnell raised, it’s a whopping $1,524,541. Since when is $1.5 million a small amount? She raised $29,105 from lobbyists, $69,755 from other public officials (thought she was an outsider) & $10,550 from oil & gas. I thought she didn’t take money from special interest groups who might want to influence her?

On the next page, Palin discusses how she is unfairly grilled about an important issue, as being a politician is about winking & saying “gosh darn it,” not answering the hard questions. The reporter asks her a series of hypotheticals about abortion & she says again & again that she would choose life—no matter what. Rape, teenagers, etc. Palin complains that she “calmly repeated my answers to all of his ‘what-ifs,’ then looked pointedly to my right and my left, to one opponent, then to the other. Then I returned to the moderator and said, ‘I’m confident you’ll be asking the other candidates these same questions, right?’ Of course, he didn’t.” (116) Well, Sarah, maybe the other candidates don’t have such horrific views on abortion & therefore, don’t need to be grilled like you do. I’m sorry that you find actually being asked questions and expected to answer so horrifying. Maybe the moderator had low self-esteem?

Palin also talks about how she used her family to run for governor. “I ran a few upbeat commercials that featured my family and Alaska’s natural beauty.” (119) Again, don’t think that you can use your young children in politics & it won’t be noticed. Maybe the reason so many cheap shots are taken at poor Bristol is that YOU PUT HER OUT THERE SO MUCH! You couldn’t take a lesson from the Clintons & leave your children out of your campaigning?

Palin writes about her mavericky take on the inauguration in Fairbanks at an arena where hockey is played. Palin says, “Alaskans, hold me accountable, and right back at you!” (123) Funny how actually being held accountable was way too much for Sarah & she becomes buried under a mountain of ethics complaints & eventually has to quit.

A really funny part comes when she writes that “our state Constitution stipulates that the citizens actually own our natural resources.” (126) Hmm…a definition from a theory or system of social organization based on the holding of all property in common, actual ownership being ascribed to the community as a whole or to the state. Special prize to anyone who can tell me what word that is defining.

We get some more Alaska masturbation as to how beautiful & amazing Alaska is.

Then the fun part comes: Sarah Palin’s philosophy on eating meat: “If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip up a salad, then explain to them my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” (133) As Amanda Marcotte so succinctly put it, “I’m forced to conclude that Sarah Palin supports cannibalism. If god hadn’t wanted us to eat our fellow human beings, he wouldn’t have made us out of meat.”

Palin attacks Ashley Judd for making this ad protecting wolves:

Palin writes “one animal rights group recruited a perky, pretty celebrity to attack our scientifically controlled, state-managed wolf-control program. It was ironic that she opposed using guns to kill predators, but apparently not opposed to taking movie roles in which she’d use guns to kill predatory people.” (134) So many things to refute in one small sentence. Where to begin? (1) I thought science was dangerous & Jesus hated it. God created guns to kill animals & helicopters to shot them out of, duh. (2) Judd seems to be more upset in the video by the way that the wolves are shot—incredibly cruelly than at the fact that they are shot. And they also question Palin’s motivations for supporting such a program. Palin’s spokesperson says it’s about feeding hungry Alaskans. If that is true, “why are sport hunter groups the biggest advocates of aerial hunting as opposed to advocates for the poor or hungry?” Eyeonpalin further wrote: “Governor Palin is an active promoter of Alaska's aerial hunting program whereby wolves are shot from the air or chased by airplanes to the point of exhaustion before the pilot lands the plane and a gunner shoots the animals point blank.” I come from a family of hunters & the one thing that they stress the most is that you (1) learn to shot the animals in a spot that minimizes pain & (2) you use every piece of the animal you can. These wolves are being hunted for sport—not food. And (3) the bad guys Ashley Judd is killing in her movies ARE NOT REAL. The wolves that are being shot are. Does someone need to explain to Palin the word “fiction?”

We also learn of how Willow inherited some of her mother’s rogue-ish behavior by sneaking her puppy into her mother’s office. This caused the Senate Rules Committee chairman to send Palin a letter with a citation, as that was against the rules. Poor Sarah. Everyone is always picking on her. Of course, Sarah has to go after this person, writing, “heaven forbid any lawmaker would catch Willow carrying her four-pound puppy into my office in violation of the new NO DOGS ALLOWED sign. (Surely just a small distraction for this senator—he was later busted by the FBI and convicted on federal corruption charges.”) (137) Of course, Palin does not bother naming the person, and of course, anyone who dares mess with Sarah Palin will not be forgotten or forgiven & will be written about for posterity.

Up next: the next 30 pages of this 100+ chapter.

Monday, November 23, 2009

What's Next

I started reading Chapter 3 of the Palin book, but then an intense wave of nausea hit me. I went to the bathroom, had a sip of water, read some more. More nausea. I had to put the book down. Picked up a magazine--no nausea. Going Rogue is literally making me sick to my stomach. I don't want to know what would happen had I kept reading. So I got to thinking about what will be next for the blog, after finishing this Palin book.

I am going to blog chapter by chapter Carrie Prejean's book. I have heard that Prejean's book is far more enraging than Palin, as Prejean focuses much more on social issues, but I feel that Prejean is an appropriate follow up to Palin. Also, I am having trouble ascertaining who Prejean's ghostwriter is. If anyone knows, please shoot me an email or comment.

I think that this blog will focus on the cult of conservative celebrity after I am finished with these 2 books. I imagine I will be pretty burnt out on reading Republican screeds, & that seems to be the most appropriate place for the blog to go. Here are my topics for consideration:
-Why are the conservatives so obsessed with women's looks? They seem to take a special pride in putting forth conventionally hot women as validation for their cause. Also, why is it that when a liberal woman is conventionally attractive, she is attacked so viciously?
-Why are people like Palin & Prejean (& Joe the Plumber) such loud mouthpieces for the Republican party? Why aren't more moderate voices being heard? I would love to hear from Meghan McCain, as she is someone who both intrigues & troubles me, but it seems that the conservative base doesn't want to promote her. They want to promote the insanity that is Palin & Prejean?

So basically, I will be reading Carrie Prejean's book, focusing on the cult of Republican celebrity and perhaps blogging more ridiculous books as they come across my desk.

I will continue with the Palin book later on tonight, provided the nausea it is inducing does not continue. (& if it does, then damn it, I'm doing the Palin drinking game & blogging the hilarious results of that activity.)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

2nd Half of Chapter 2

The second half of Chapter 2 focuses on Palin’s run for lieutenant governor, her experience on the AOGCC & Troopergate.

Palin begins by mulling her options for her life after being mayor of Wasilla, whining that her options were limited, due to the fact that she “did not think [she] would do well in a place where you had to scratch disagreeable backs in order to secure a nameplate in the caucus.” (81) I’m a little befuddled as to why Palin is so committed to public service, as she seems to find campaigning & other politicians so distasteful, but she does decide to run for lieutenant governor. Palin blasts those who question her experience by saying, “government experience doesn’t necessarily count for much.” (84) Funny considering she said this about Barack Obama, “If you're talking about executive experience, I would put my experience up against his any day of the week.” (source) She, again, brings up how she’s such an outsider, saying, “I wasn’t part of any political machine, or the Juneau good ol’ boys club, so I was definitely seen as the outsider.” (85) Maybe nobody wanted to back her because she is such a whiner/perpetual victim. She eventually loses the lieutenant governor’s race, but is relieved because she knew she “would not be beholden to special interests going forward—if there was a political ‘forward.’” (88)

Palin ends up on the list for the next US Senator, as Gov. Murkowski was vacating his seat. After meeting with him, she realizes she won’t get the job, as he kept stressing to her how hard it would be on his kids. She says to Todd, “it’s not going to be a woman with a family.” (92) Palin is shocked & appalled that Murkowski gives the job to his daughter, a mother with 2 children. Of course, Julie Murkowski got the job via nepotism, not because she was objectively more qualified for the job than Palin. Per Murkowski’s Wikipedia page:
She became a member of the Alaska Bar Association in 1987. She was an attorney in Anchorage, Alaska from 1985 to 1998. She also served, from 1990 to 1991, on the mayor's task force on the homeless.

In 1998, she was elected to the Alaska House of Representatives and named as House Majority Leader for the 2003–2004 session. She never served as Majority Leader, due to her appointment to the Senate. Murkowski sat on the Alaska Commission on Post Secondary Education and chaired both the Labor and Commerce and the Military and Veterans Affairs Committees. In 1999 she introduced legislation establishing a Joint Armed Services Committee.
I find Murkowski’s experience to be far more impressive than Palin’s time on the city council & 2 terms as mayor as Wasilla. But, of course, nobody could be more experienced than poor Sarah, so it was nepotism that gave Murkowski the Senate seat.

Palin speaks of her time on the AOGCC committee, whining on & on about how everyone was corrupt & mean but her. Palin eventually resigns, as she cannot take the corruption anymore. She “knew that any shot [she] might have had to become a GOP insider was gone, which was fine, but I wanted Alaskans to be able to believe in the party ideals again. I knew the GOP planks made the strongest foundation upon which to build a strong state and country.” (99) It’s interesting, because some believe that Palin resigns purely for political reasons—to strengthen her electability and that might be behind why she resigned from her governor’s job.

Palin whines about how she’s discriminated against as a woman, saying “as a working mom I would have to make tough choices. She never said that one couldn’t ‘have it all,’ but it was becoming clear that maybe one couldn’t have everything at once.” (86) Wow. No shit. I’m 24 & I’ve figured that one out. It took Palin 4 children & 38 or so years to figure that out. Wow.

There is also some hilariousness where she calls out Democrats as being Marxists. “Some people seem to think a profit motive is inherently greedy and evil, and that what’s good for business is bad for people. (That’s what Karl Marx thought too.)” (84) The horror! With the Democrats in power, we will definitely be headed toward communism.

Palin again shows how special God thinks she is by writing, “I knew that God was working on something significant in our small-town life, and I felt myself seeking something ahead. Still, I prayed to be content with what I had, even if that meant that my political career would end in Wasilla City Hall.” (83) I find it odd that Palin honestly thinks that God gives two shits about her political life.

Palin speaks of Troopergate & of course, has to completely throw her former brother-in-law under the bus, calling him everything from a philanderer to a drunk to an abusive husband. Palin writes that “this sad family episode would later be twisted and used as a political weapon against me and John McCain.” (102) I have to question the validity of Palin’s claims against her ex-brother-in-law, Wooten as Judge Suddock said "'it appears for the world that Ms. McCann and her family have decided to take off for the guy's livelihood -- that the bitterness of whatever who did what to whom has overridden good judgment.' A representative for the Alaska State Trooper's union testified that the union viewed the dozen complaints filed by McCann and her family against Wooten as 'not job-related' and 'harassment.' Judge Suddock repeatedly warned McCann and her family to stop 'disparaging' Wooten's reputation or risk the judge granting Wooten custody of the children. At a court hearing in October 2005, Judge Suddock said 'disparaging will not be tolerated—it is a form of child abuse … relatives cannot disparage either. If occurs [sic] the parent needs to set boundaries for their relatives.' (source) It sounds as if Palin’s family was trying to make this guy’s life a complete & utter living hell.

The chapter ends with Palin contemplating her future, as she wonders what is next. HMM, wonder what will happen??

Saturday, November 21, 2009

New Exciting Video of Sarah Palin

Apparently showing up to a suburban Joseph Beth shows a lot of "boldness" & "courage." I also didn't realize that providing a ghostwriter with an outline of one's life counts as "unfiltered words."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Chapter 2--1st Section

Chapter 2 of Going Rogue is, dare I say, far more whinier than chapter 1. In this chapter, we learn of Palin’s entrance to public service & how she never does anything wrong & the elites are always out to get her. She opens with this:

WOW (Watch on Wasilla) was looking for young, ‘progressive’ candidates. ‘The city would do well to have you serve,’ he said. In those days, the word ‘progressive’ wasn’t necessarily associated with liberalism, although that’s what they meant by it. I took it in the more commons sense spirit of ‘progressing’ our young city by providing the tools for the private sector to grow and prosper. The group, which was backed by the local newspaper, the Frontiersman, also supported Carney and Mayor Stein. I fit they demographic they were looking for: as the newspaper editor put it, a ‘young, sharp Wasilla resident who lived inside the city limits. (64)

But...but…but I thought Palin was always on the outside of the elites and nobody wanted to help her and she did it all by herself, goshdarnit! Well, don’t worry, she manages to piss off the mayor and her other council members with her super conservative viewpoints & in the end does appear to be all by herself. Poor thing.

In some ways, they had a kind of paternalistic way of governing. For example, they wanted to regulate how many kids a mom could babysit in her home, whether signs on businesses should be allowed to flash, and whether the town barber pole should be permitted to spin---should one ever be installed. But Valley residents, like other Alaskans, are not ‘master-planned-community’ kind of people. We are extremely independent, no community organizers necessary. (65)

Of course not. That is, until, a woman wants to have an abortion, or a teacher wants to teach evolution, or two homosexuals want to get married. Palin is all for small government, as long as those pesky gays don’t have any rights and women are forced to have children. “I voted in ways that honored people’s ability to think for themselves.” (66) Until she realized that letting children read books she disapproved of was a scary, scary thing and decided to ban books.

As a council member, Palin also “made it [her] business to know every line on the budget, to review every word of proposed regulations and ordinances, and to really know [her] constituents’ concerns.” (68) I guess by the time she was mayor and the issue of expensive rape kits came up, she got lazy & quit reading her budget…

When running for mayor, Palin stresses that she was all for more individual freedom. Blah blah blah. She and her “girlfriends” painted “pink-and-green signs with [her] familiar statement ‘Positive-ly Palin.’” (70) Barf. And she seriously has the nerve to complain about sexism when she pushes her gender & sexuality out there at every turn? Really??

In a Time magazine article I found, which spoke with former council members and Wasila residents, it is revealed that Palin tried to inject her very socially conservative beliefs into the Wasilla city government during her run for Wasilla mayor.

Stein says she made sure the campaign hinged on issues like gun owners' rights and her opposition to abortion (Stein is pro-choice). "It got to the extent that — I don't remember who it was now — but some national antiabortion outfit sent little pink cards to voters in Wasilla endorsing her," he says.

But, but, but. I thought Palin was for individual liberties?

Palin whines about the recall effort in her first term as mayor. Blah blah blah. Always a victim, that one. It seems to be plaguing young conservative women these days.

When someone asks her about a false rumor, Palin ponders, “you’re going to believe unsubstantiated rumors and then repeat them to other people? It would be a few more years before I learned that some people make a living and even earn prestigious awards for doing exactly that?” (75) HMM, wonder who she’s referencing here??

Palin whines about the book-banning controversy, as her words were obviously taken out of context, as Palin never ever, ever makes mistakes. Obviously, the mean librarian who hated her refused to correct her comments to a reporter regarding the issue. According to the aforementioned article I found from, here is what really happened.

Stein says that as mayor, Palin continued to inject religious beliefs into her policy at times. "She asked the library how she could go about banning books," he says, because some voters thought they had inappropriate language in them. "The librarian was aghast." That woman, Mary Ellen Baker, couldn't be reached for comment, but news reports from the time show that Palin had threatened to fire Baker for not giving "full support" to the mayor. (Time magazine)

Now, this Stein is former mayor John Stein, who was so, so, so mean to poor Sarah, so he’s probably full of mean lies & victimizing poor Sarah yet again. I bet the liberal media got to him.

We get more fun with Palin birthing traditions. While having heavy contractions on the 4th of July with Willow and kayaking, she “so wanted a patriotic baby that I paddled as hard as I could to speed up the contractions, but she held out until the next day.” (67) What is with this woman & bizarre births? Sadly there is no fun times with the naming of Willow but we do get to hear wher Piper Indi Grace’s name comes from. “Todd flies a Piper plane…’Indi’ for ‘Independence’….and ‘Grace’ for ‘God’s Grace.’” (76) Fun. And the day after giving birth, Palin went back to work as the mayor. I do have to admire her rock-hard work ethic.

We also learn how Palin “Palin ended up dismissing almost all the city department heads who had been loyal to Stein, including a few who had been instrumental in getting her into politics to begin with.” (Time magazine) HMM. I thought “life is too short to hold a grudge,” Sarah? (77)

And I know I tend to harp on & on about women’s and social issues on this blog, but there is one infuriating statement that comes at the end of this section. Palin claims that women “have to work twice as hard to prove we’re half as capable as men think we are.” (80) You know what, Sarah? Maybe we wouldn’t have to work so damn hard if people like you weren’t actively working to set us back? Give women comprehensive sex education, the right to a safe & legal abortion & quit preaching one of the most paternalistic religions on earth while heavily promoting the cult of competitive motherhood. You do absolutely nothing for the cause of women & as long as you continue to set us back with your insipid pink yard signs and rantings about how sexist and mean the liberal media is & how awesome & fulfilling motherhood is, I think that we have every reason to actively work against you. So I’m sorry that you feel so persecuted and that you have to work so, so very hard, but until you recognize that there is more than one way to be a real, complete woman, you won’t ever have my support.

With that, I'm done with this for the night. I just fired myself up & need to read something that won't piss me off so much.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Second Half of Chapter 1

Had I known that the second half of the 1st chapter would be so stultifying boring, I would have included it in the first half.

In this chapter we get (not necessarily in this order):
-meeting that hot piece of manmeat, Todd
-Palin’s college years
-getting married
-fun with baby names in the Palin household

So apparently for Sarah Palin, meeting her future husband depended a lot on praying to God to bring her a suitable mate. “When I saw him, my world turned upside down. I actually whispered, ‘Thank you, God.’” (34) Here are the things Sarah liked about Todd: (1) he owned TWO cars, (2) he was a total dreamboat, (3) his family was wealthy & (4) he was very independent. Well, actually, Palin manages to contradict herself on point number 4 pretty quickly. “He didn’t come from a wealthy family, but from a hardworking family,” she writes on page 34. Then, she brags of all the businesses his family owned in Bristol Bay: “the town’s hardware store, hotel, mechanic shop, and other businesses, ultimately employing scores of people.” (35) And I think she’d at least attempt to camouflage her contradictions a little better. Sarah also goes on & on about how they “weren’t into fancy food, fancy clothes, fancy anything.” (37) That is, until the RNC was footing the bill at Neiman Marcus.

I also think I discovered the truth before my earlier post about the sexy-time phone conversations Todd & Sarah were having.
Todd and I discovered we could close the five miles between our homes if we stood on our back porches and used the handheld VHF radios he used on his fishing boat in Bristol Bay. For months, we snuck whispered nighttime chats until we discovered that the commercial truckers barreling through town could hear us. (38)

I guess that shows us how I got a hold of that sexy chat between the two of them while dating—some commercial trucker must have leaked it! Poor Sarah!!!

Palin also speaks of her self-determinism, saying that hottie Todd “would be rewarded according to how hard he worked the waters.” (38) Now, I thought you were rewarded according to how much money you coughed up for Jesus…

We also learn about beefcake Todd’s DUI and how it shaped him. “It was a humiliating mistake, a big wake-up call to be charged with drinking and driving in his hometown. He’d later tell an employer in a job interview that it was his most critical lesson, because it woke him up to the danger of making stupid decisions. He said it changed his life.” (49) I guess he didn’t really learn his lesson because he still married and impregnated this woman 5 times.

Palin writes of her mavericky decision to elope on a whim—I’m going to assume it was because they were horny and Jesus wouldn’t want them to have sex outside of marriage. Afterall, I cannot imagine them having sex outside of marriage—Palin would NEVER do anything hypocritical.

In this chapter, we are also treated to Palin’s beauty pageant past, which is particularly interesting to me, considering she said this of Levi Johnston when he decided to pose for Playgirl: "Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies -- those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention." Now what does Sarah say when it comes to her participating in Miss Wasilla. “There was the scholarship money. I knew I wasn’t a good enough athlete to get a Division I scholarship, but I did want to graduate debt-free. Was there some way I could make this work?” (42) And later, “I shocked my friends and family, put on a sequined Warrior-red gown, danced the opening numbers, gave the interview, and uncomfortably let my butt be compared to the cheerleaders’ butts.” (43) What’s the word for when it’s okay for you to do something but not for another person? I can’t quite find it.

Palin speaks of what makes her a Republican in this section. Among other things it is: “a believer in individual rights” (unless it’s a pregnant woman who does not want to be pregnant or a gay man who wants to marry his partner), and “a belief that America is the best country on the earth.” (45) She seems shocked that anyone can question the awesome-ness that is America. About President Carter, “why did he allow America to be humiliated and pushed around?” (45)

Then we get into Palin’s embrace of the cult of motherhood and this is where I want to dry heave. “On April 20, 1989, my life truly began. I became a mother.” (51) Because, of course, no woman is complete until she has pushed an 8 pound baby out of her vagina. Upon holding Track, she realized that she “knew [my] purpose.” (53)

But probably the most hilarious section of the chapter comes after this. Where Todd & Sarah found the name Track.
“Track, right?,” he said. “Like tracking an elephant?”
“I explained that no, it was because obviously we loved sports, and the baby was born during the spring track season.
“What if he’d been born during wrestling season?” Dad asked. “Would you have named him ‘Wrestle’?”
“No,” I said, smiling, “we’d have named him ‘Mat.’”
“And if he’d been born during basketball?”
“We could’ve called him ‘Court’.”
“And hockey?”
“What’s wrong with ‘Zamboni’?” (53)

Good Christ, I hope these people were joking around. Then, Palin gets pregnant again, and they decide to name the child Tad, a combination of Todd and Track. I’m not kidding. And how on earth is that a combination of Todd and Track?

Sadly, Tad is not to be, as he loses his heartbeat at three-months. This is where I actually have a little bit of sympathy for Palin, as I have had many friends who have suffered the devastation of a miscarriage. “A miscarriage is often dismissed as something a woman needs to shake off quickly, but it’s impossible to explain the devastation and loss until you’ve experienced it.” (56) This is one of the few times where I have any sympathy for Palin. I only wish that she could have some sympathy for other women facing tough reproductive decisions.

Bristol is named after Bristol Bay, the bay that Todd grew up in. For some reason, the reasoning behind that name makes the most sense out of all her children's names. Now, that is sad.

The rest of the chapter deals with the Exxon-Valdez oil tank running aground and its effect on Alaska. I will pick up tomorrow with Chapter 2.

First 30 Pages of Palin's Work

Upon opening Palin’s book, Going Rogue and reading the first 30 or so pages, I was struck by 3 things: (1) It is atrociously written. This is not too shocking, as I had the fabulous opportunity to read Lynn Vincent’s previous xenophobic “memoir,” The Blood of Lambs, and it was the most unintentionally hilarious book I have ever read. (2) Palin seems to believe she is uniquely special in God’s eyes and (3) Palin believes that she is someone who is inherently an outsider and therefore especially persecuted at every turn. I have a feeling that Palin views herself as a modern day Job.

That said, let’s dive into the first 30 pages.

In a shocking amount of restraint, Palin manages to avoid discussing infringing upon a woman’s right to chose for all of 2 pages.
I saw the Alaska Right to Life (RTL) booth, where a poster caught my eye, taking my breath away. It featured the sweetest baby girl swathed in pink, pretend angel wings fastened to her soft shoulders.
"That's you, baby," I whispered to Piper, as I have every year since she smiled for that picture as an infant....
It reminded me of the preciousness of life.
It also reminded me of how impatient I am with politics.
A staunch advocate of every child's right to be born, I was pro-life enough for the grassroots RTL folks to adopt Piper as their poster child, but I wasn't politically connected enough for the state GOP machine to allow the organization to endorse me in early campaigns. (2-3)

This is only the first time in which Palin points out how mean the GOP is to her and how much of an independent voice that she is. On page 4, she laments the “fat-cat deals behind closed doors.” She further goes on to say “government was growing as fast as fireweed in July” in Alaska. On page 18, Palin complains about being pulled over as a child while on a snowmobile with her older brother, Chuck. “It was Christmas day; we were out in the middle of nowhere, a couple of kids on a snowmachine up against a big dude with a gun and a badge. I couldn’t help wondering about his priorities, if he really didn’t have more important things to do, like catching a bad guy, or maybe helping a poor lady haul in her firewood for the night. Looking back, maybe that was my first brush with the skewed priorities of government.” Obviously, small government only matters when it is not regarding a woman’s right to chose or gay people having equal rights, then the government should have every right in the world to encroach upon women’s wombs & people’s bedrooms. Furthermore, Palin’s whining about her victimhood complex is going to get VERY old—I still have almost 400 pages to read!

Palin writes about ethics & in my head, all I can hear is “ethics smethics” in her folksy-voice.
"Though I was a registered Republican, I’d always been without a political home, and now, even as governor, I was still outside the favored GOP circle….I didn’t owe anyone, and nobody owed me. That gave me the freedom and latitude to find the best people to serve Alaskans regardless of party, and I was beholden only to those who hired me—the people of Alaska." (5)

Yeah & her sister when it comes to firing her ex-husband.

There’s some drivel about Palin’s family & how awesome & independent Alaska is. I think I fell asleep through that.

I did catch the part about Palin’s mavericky genetics—her dad moved the entire family up to the dangerous state of Alaska to make more money and she goes on to say how she inherited his independent spirit.

Palin also tells us of her love of reading, which is not shocking, considering she “reads everything” to this very day. She writes that “the library on Main Street was one of my favorite summer hideaways.” (27) HMM, I wonder if she was stockpiling books to eventually have banned when she had any power.

My favorite part of the section has to be Palin waxing poetic about her relationship with God. “I made the conscious decision that summer to put my life in my Creator’s hands and trust Him as I sought my life’s path.” (22) Pretty typical Christian reflections. However, the rest of the book shows that Palin thinks she is especially special in God’s eyes. She seems to buy onto that ridiculous doctrine of wealth saying, “If I earned five dollars, I put fifty cents in the offering plate….God continually proved His promises true, blessing our giving with giving of His own.” (23) I find this to be a particularly abhorrent & dangerous point of view—that if you give money to your church God will bless you & your family. What if you have no money? Are you screwed?

Palin also seems to hate the feminists & anyone progressive, whining about the ACLU who “convinced young people that they were supposed to feel offended by other people’s free exercise of religion” & claiming that conservative women “consider ourselves more liberated than some women’s rights groups would have us believe we are.” You know, I don’t give a shit if Palin considers herself “liberated.” She does ABSOLUTELY nothing to further the cause of women or feminism. She preaches abstinence, which absolutely does not work, made women in her city pay for their own rape kits & is avowedly pro-life, even though she herself admitted that she considered aborting her youngest when she found out he had Down’s Syndrome. So to me, it is highly offensive that Palin boasts of her liberation when she works tirelessly to put those pesky feminists in their place—at home & pregnant taking care of the mensfolk.

Stay tuned for the next 30 pages in the next day or so…this book should be a doozy. Sadly, I can’t do the drinking game, as I discovered that if I do, I would need a liver transplant.

Here is a treat for everyone. When you open up Palin's book, there is a map called "The Top of the World," which proves that Palin can see Russia from her house! I'm sorry it's such a crappy photograph of the map, I just found it too hilarious not to share.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Going Rogue Drinking Game

Today I came to the sad realization that if I have to read a book full of Palin's Vincent's logic & simple sentences, I would need copious amounts of bourbon. Instead of just getting drunk while I read the book, I am going to have a little more fun & create my own Going Rogue drinking game.

Take a sip when:
-The word maverick is used.
-Palin discusses any of her children by name.
-lipstick on a pig, hockey mom, small town values & being an outsider in the Washington elite are referenced.
-The 1st Dude's professional snow-machine riding career is mentioned.
-She complains about the media attacking her children.

Take a shot when:
-Palin refers to Trig as her "angel baby"
-Palin attempts to claim that being able to see Russia from her house makes her equipped in foreign policy matters as vice president of the United States.
-Any reference to Palin running in 2012 is mentioned.

Down the bottle when:
-Palin refers to Barack Obama as a "black citizen."
-Palin refers to Trig as her "retard baby."
-She shots a wolf or moose (drink 2 bottles if it's from a helicopter.)

I predict a very boozy read for me & I encourage all to join in on the fun!!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

How Sarah Met Todd

This blog will serve to discuss Sarah Palin's new book Going Rogue, analyzing it chapter by chapter in all of its delicious craziness. While the book does not come out until November 17th, I have prepared a little preview of what is to come based upon Lynn Vincent's (Palin's ghostwriter) previous book, The Blood of Lambs: A Former Terrorist's Memoir of Death and Redemption, a book which shows the redemption of a blood-thirsty Muslim terrorist through the love of Christ.

I have adapted the "love scene" in this non-fiction novel to how I imagine Sarah & Todd met & began their whirlwind courtship from Todd's point of view:

"You know, as a proper pageant queen, I am not supposed to talk with strange men on their snowmobiles--especially mavericks like you." Across the distance I could hear the smile in her voice, see the sparkle in her blue eyes that seem very hollow and empty. "But I like you very much. I like how you wear your tight jeans."
Her directness startled me. No woman of conservative Alaskan royalty should speak with me--a commoner, a mere hockey player--alone on the telephone and so brazenly. Suddenly I remembered with exact clarity her mesmerizing scene of moose urine, the texture of her blood stained gloves from valiantly hunting.
"Women like me don't meet men like you," Sarah said. "A lifetime could pass first. Men like you have tasted women up and down the great state of Alaska and some in the lower 48. I have known since I was a little girl that I will marry my fat, ugly half-brother with a meth habit. I also know he will not know how to please me, as he has no teeth. But you have practiced. I could see it in your eyes."
Now every pulse point in my body pounded. Her voice was like Texas tea in my ear. I imagined her playing her flute for me.
"Come to Wasilla," she said with sudden urgency. "Or Anchorage. This weekend. I will meet you wherever you like."
Wasilla? Anchorage? Reality hit like cold beer in my face: a trip like that would be hard on my snow machine and I had a hockey game. "I cannot come this weekend," I said. "My snow mobile gas budget does not permit."
The teasing sparkle returned to her voice. "Evidently, your snow mobile racing career is not paying you enough."
Maybe she does know the truth.
"I do not touch that money. That is for advancing the cause of the oppression of women and protection of fetal rights." My answer was true, and would also serve me well if Sarah was playing the spy.
"In any case, you don't have to worry about finances," she said lightly. "The state of Alaska pays for everything I do and I don't keep an itemized record of my expenses."
A long pause filled the line. And then, like a single raindrop breaking the still surface of a pond, it was broken.
"Come to me," she said.

Cut to the weekend:

Sarah disappeared, and a moment later I heard the voice of Pat Boone floating through the room. Sarah returned.
"I listened to this while I waited for you."
"So did I," I said, amazing.
She stepped close to me, so close I could feel the heat from her body. I looked down at her, reached forward, and brushed away her pink camouflage hunting hat. It fell away like air, releasing a burst of moose blood, the scene of her hair. She reached up, and like a cool fire her hand touched the back of my neck. She laid her head on my shoulder.
"I was dreaming you would dance with me," Sarah said.
Circling her with my left arm, I pressed my hand against the small of her back and pulled her to me. Her breath caught. I took her left hand in my right, and as we swayed to the voice of Pat Boone, time stopped and every question in life seemed answered.
We danced until sunlight faded from the windows and only the glimmering fire lit the room. When I kissed her, I drank as deeply as if I had never kissed a woman. And there before the fire on the bear skin rug, we settled on polyester cushions striped blue and gold, where we danced until morning, the flames reflecting off Sarah's pasty skin.

Just a little taste of Sarah Palin's ghost writers genius in writing scintillating Christian soft porn. Hopefully, we will get a love scene in Palin's book.